Today is not good.

Today is not going to be a positive or upbeat post, so if that's what you are looking for, walk away..  I don't mean that in a hateful way, but I feel like my heart is shattered into a million little pieces tonight.

J has been involved in sports from day one.  Ever since he was old enough to join baseball and soccer (which is mostly the only sports around here) he has been on a team.  He has loved it, and he has excelled at it.  He zips up and down the soccer field, and he lives for it.  He was an amazing catcher, with strong hits.

But it's all over.  A switch seems to have flicked in him the last year that has turned him from a sunny, happy child into a sobbing time bomb waiting to go off.  I have literally sat at every single baseball practice and game holding my breath, praying that it wouldn't ignite, just this once.  Every single time he has exploded into a crying, sobbing, heaving mass of self-doubt and self-loathing.  I don't know how to make him stop.  I don't know what to do.

We have been to therapy and been to therapy.  We have changed the meds, we have seen the doc.  Doc says drama will more than likely always be a part of his life.  How is he supposed to lead a life like this?  Is it hormones starting to kick in?  Will he always be like this?  Will he be able to be an adult on his own?

Every time he strikes out, or even just hits incorrectly, he stomps off the field into the dugout and sobs like his best friend just died.  Even being walked is not good enough.  We can't encourage him without him freaking out more.  We can't be stern.  We can't do anything with him when he gets like this.  He even did this at practice when something didn't go his way.  Then, because he wasn't on a normal bedtime schedule, the next day was rough.

Tonight he was sobbing that he wanted to quit and was hysterical.

So D and I made the decision to pull him out of baseball.  It was about more than I could bear.  It wasn't that I am such a huge sports fan.  But I have had dream after dream for my son die an agonizing death.  I have always been happy because soccer and baseball were something that I could count on.  Something that he could do.  Something that made him seem a little more part of the group.  Something where he could feel like he was part of something.  Now that's gone.

He's already changed his mind about quitting, but it's just too much.  It's too much to put him through.  The thing that used to make him part of something has turned into something that makes him even more different.  It's too much to put his coaches through.  It's too much to put his team through.  It's too much to put us through.

I sit on that bench and every single time he breaks down, I want to do the same thing.  I want to cry and stomp and sob right along with him.

This is not how it's supposed to be.