In my dreams

In my dreams, my town would have a place for parents of children with autism and aspergers to gather today.  Maybe it should be a place for all parents of special needs children to gather, because I think all of us can understand what it's like to parent a child who doesn't fit the mold.  We would have a soda, or coffee and eat little treats and relax with each other.  We would talk about our joys and our frustrations.  We would talk about our fears.

We've had a phenomenon the last few days.  J was playing on the playground while his brother was playing baseball.  David and I were watching when we noticed that he was teeter tottering with a girl about his age.  This went on for SEVERAL minutes!  I was so excited.  They walked around together the ENTIRE game!!!  Most do not realize what a MONUMENTAL event this was.  He even let her talk, and he LISTENED!  I know there's a lot of all caps here, but that's how exciting it was.  He got along with someone for an hour.

He's been working hard on a book that I bought him, working on fourth grade skills.  Jackson is a prime example of why No Child Left Behind makes me angry.  He's been working on this book, and doing a wonderful job on the Math, and most of the English.  .  However, he hit the section dealing with figurative language.  J is a child who does not get sarcasm.  He does not get figurative language.  I don't know that he ever will.  He is literal.  He was working on a page of personification.  Things like fog hugging the ground and stuff like that.  We tried and tried on that page.  It makes NO sense to him.  So, I cannot imagine that he's ever going to be able to test successfully on a test about something that I doubt he will ever understand.  I don't know.  Maybe he can memorize what the things mean.  but I don't know that they will ever make sense to him.  We will see.  He took the state test for the first time this year, I am anxious to see how he performed on it when the results come back.  I'm not anxious because I think the test means anything, really.  I am anxious, because the state will judge MY child's intelligence and ability on one test.

How did I miss that?

Sometimes I have to smile a little over the things that happen in our lives.  We went to the bank the other day, and it has a little play area for small children.  J and his brother set to playing in it.  It's a small table with blocks on it.  I finished my transaction and called for the boys to come along.  Without even turning his head, J gave me one of those "just a minutes" that he is famous for.  As I blew out a sigh of frustration, I decided that I would walk over to quietly try to hurry him along and not make a scene.

As I walked over he again told me to wait a minute, so I decided that I would  The money in my hand was going straight to the contractor anyway, so I was in no immediate hurry to pay a bill.  Finally, he was finished.  He was determined that he put every block over on the side with the numbers, and then put the numbers in order, together.  all the 1s, then the 2s, then 3s, etc.  Then, he had to go down the line and read each one out loud to me.

As I listened to him do all of this, I thought to myself, how did I ever miss the signs?  I had to chuckle a little to myself at that thought.

Things have been pretty mellow the last few weeks.  I say that and the world will come crashing down, lol.  His doctor continues to impress me with his caring and ability.  I think that we struck the jackpot with him.  He has completely readjusted J's meds.  Took him off of the things that weren't working and were doing no good.  He takes the time to research, and to do what's best for Jackson.  His previous doc just kept piling meds on him with no real attempt to see what was working and what wasn't.  We would go in and when I would try to explain what was going on, he would up a med and walk out of the room.  But, summer is flying by and fourth grade is approaching.  I don't know how he feels about it, but I am terrified. :)  He will have a teacher that I feel will be wonderful, but the older he gets, the harder it seems to be.

Today is not good.

Today is not going to be a positive or upbeat post, so if that's what you are looking for, walk away..  I don't mean that in a hateful way, but I feel like my heart is shattered into a million little pieces tonight.

J has been involved in sports from day one.  Ever since he was old enough to join baseball and soccer (which is mostly the only sports around here) he has been on a team.  He has loved it, and he has excelled at it.  He zips up and down the soccer field, and he lives for it.  He was an amazing catcher, with strong hits.

But it's all over.  A switch seems to have flicked in him the last year that has turned him from a sunny, happy child into a sobbing time bomb waiting to go off.  I have literally sat at every single baseball practice and game holding my breath, praying that it wouldn't ignite, just this once.  Every single time he has exploded into a crying, sobbing, heaving mass of self-doubt and self-loathing.  I don't know how to make him stop.  I don't know what to do.

We have been to therapy and been to therapy.  We have changed the meds, we have seen the doc.  Doc says drama will more than likely always be a part of his life.  How is he supposed to lead a life like this?  Is it hormones starting to kick in?  Will he always be like this?  Will he be able to be an adult on his own?

Every time he strikes out, or even just hits incorrectly, he stomps off the field into the dugout and sobs like his best friend just died.  Even being walked is not good enough.  We can't encourage him without him freaking out more.  We can't be stern.  We can't do anything with him when he gets like this.  He even did this at practice when something didn't go his way.  Then, because he wasn't on a normal bedtime schedule, the next day was rough.

Tonight he was sobbing that he wanted to quit and was hysterical.

So D and I made the decision to pull him out of baseball.  It was about more than I could bear.  It wasn't that I am such a huge sports fan.  But I have had dream after dream for my son die an agonizing death.  I have always been happy because soccer and baseball were something that I could count on.  Something that he could do.  Something that made him seem a little more part of the group.  Something where he could feel like he was part of something.  Now that's gone.

He's already changed his mind about quitting, but it's just too much.  It's too much to put him through.  The thing that used to make him part of something has turned into something that makes him even more different.  It's too much to put his coaches through.  It's too much to put his team through.  It's too much to put us through.

I sit on that bench and every single time he breaks down, I want to do the same thing.  I want to cry and stomp and sob right along with him.

This is not how it's supposed to be.